♪ When I was just a little girl ♪
♪ I asked my mother what will I be ♪
♪ Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? ♪
♪ Here's what she said to me ♪
♪ Qué seráserá♪
♪ Whatever will be will be ♪
♪ The future's not Ours to see ♪
♪ Qué seráserá♪
♪ What will be will be ♪
♪ When I was just a child in school ♪
♪ I asked my teacher what should I try ♪
♪ Should I paint pictures? Should I sing songs? ♪
♪ This was her wise reply ♪
♪ Qué seráserá♪
♪ Whatever will be will be ♪
♪ The future's not ours to see ♪
♪ Qué seráserá♪
♪ What will be will be ♪
Damn.
It's your turn, Heather.
Nο, Heather. It's Heather's turn.
Heather.
Sorry, Heather.
♪ Qué seráserá♪
♪ Whatever will be will be ♪
♪ The future's not ours to see ♪
♪ Qué seráserá♪
♪ What will be will be ♪
♪ Qué será♪
♪ Será♪
Ow.
Dear diary,
Heather told me she teaches people real life.
She said, "Real life sucks losers dry.
If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. "
I said, "So you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?"
She said, "Yes. "
I said, "You're beautiful. "
God, come on, Veronica.
What is your damage, Heather?
Don't blame me. Blame Heather.
She told me to haul your ass into the caf pronto.
Back me up, Heather.
Yeah, she really wants to talk to you, Veronica.
Okay, I'm going. Jesus Christ.
Hello, Heather.
Veronica. Finally.
I got a note of Kurt Kelly's.
I need you to forge a hot and horny but realistically low-key note
in Kurt's handwriting,
and we'll slip it οnto Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray.
Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.
You don't have anything for her, either.
Come on. It'll be very.
The note will give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.
I'll think about it.
Don't think.
Veronica needs something to write on. Heather, bend over.
Dear Martha,
You're so sweet.
I'm telling you, man, it would be so righteous
to be in a Veronica Sawyer- Heather Chandler sandwich.
Oh, hell, yes.
I want to get a Heather and put her on my Johnson
and just start spinning her around like a goddamn pinwheel.
Punch it in.
Westerburg feeds the world!
Come on, people! Let's give that leftover lunch money
to people who don't have lunches!
Thοse tater tots you threw away-
God, aren't they fed yet?
Come on, let's go!
Dοthey even have Thanksgiving in Africa?
Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians,
tater tots.
It's a real party continent.
Sawyer, guess what today is.
Ouch. Lunchtime Poll?
So what's the question?
Yeah, so what's the question, Heather?
God damn, Heather, you were with me in study hall when I thought of it.
I forgοt.
You're such a pillowcase.
This wouldn't be that bizarro thing
you were babbling about οver the phone last night, would it?
Of course it is.
I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks.
Oh, Veronica, I'm sοrry.
Betty Finn. Gοsh.
Hey, I'm really sοrry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.
It's okay. Yοur mom said you had a big date.
I think I'd probably miss my οwn birthday for a date.
Don't say that.
You know what? I was looking around the other day,
and I dug up, uh, these old photographs.
Ha ha!
Oh, wow, these are great.
- Come οn, Veronica. - I was talking to somebοdy.
Great. Here comes Heather.
Oh, shit.
Hi, Courtney. Lοve your cardigan.
Thanks. I just got it last night at The Limited.
I, like, totally blew my allowance.
Now check this out.
You win $5 million from the Publisher's Sweepstakes,
and the same day that that big Ed guy gives you the check,
aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow up the world in two days.
What dοyou dο?
That's easy.
I just slide that wad οver to my father,
because he is, like, one of the top brokers on the state.
If I got that money,
I'd give it all to the homeless,
every cent.
You're beautiful.
If you're going to openly be a bitch-
It's just, Heather, why can't we talk to different kinds of people?
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
Do I look like Mother Teresa?
If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad.
Um, did you see that?
Heather number 1 just Iοοked right at me.
Dοes it not bother you
that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha?
Like I give a shit.
They all want me as a friend or a fuck.
I'm worshiped at Westerburg, and I'm only a junior.
I can't believe this.
We're going to a party at Remington University tonight,
and we're brushing up on our conversational skills
with the scum of the school.
Hi.
So this is what's called a Lunchtime Poll.
You win $5 million in the Publisher's Sweepstakes-
and the same day that whatshίsface gives you the check-
aliens land on Earth-
and say they're goίng to blow up the world in two days.
What are you going to dοwith the mοney?
I'd gοto Egypt...
with a girl.
I'd use the money for an end-of-the-world get-together.
I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit οn my face
and have her ride it like the Kentucky Derby.
That's got to be the most spooky-assed question I ever heard.
All right, this is important.
After taxes, I'll οnly be getting-
She should pay me, though.
You go to the zoo, and you get a lion,
and then you put a remote control bomb up its butt-
And then there's Social Security, legal fees-
You push the button on the bomb,
and you and the lion die like one.
What?
Oh, my God. Here we go.
Oh, my God.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Hi, Veronica. 5 keeps a neighborhood alive.
You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.
If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.
Come on, Veronica. You used to have a sense of humor.
Veronica, could you come back here a minute?
A true friend's work is never done.
- Gross. - Gross.
Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.
You knοw, maybe you should see a doctor.
Yeah, maybe.
Come on, Heather, let's take another look at today's lunch.
God, Veronica, drool much?
His name's Jason Dean. He's in my American History.
Hello, Jason Dean.
Greetings and salutations.
Are you a Heather?
Nο. I'm a Veronica. Sawyer.
This may seem like a really stupid question.
There are no stupid questions.
You inherit $5 million the same day aliens land οn the earth
and say they're going to blοw it up in two days.
What dοyou dο?
That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.
Who does that guy in the coat think he is anyways, BοDiddley?
Veronica's into his act, no doubt.
Uh, I don't know, probably row out to the middle of the lake somewhere,
bring along a bottle of tequila, my sax, and, uh, some Bach.
How very.
Come on, Veronica.
Later.
Definitely.
Let's kick his ass.
Shit, Ram. We're seniors, man.
We're too old for that kind of crap.
Let's give him a good scare, though.
You going to eat this?
What did your boyfriend say
when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?
Answer him, dick.
Hey, Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no-fags-allowed rule?
Well, they seem to have an open door policy for assholes, though, don't they?
What did you say, dickhead?
I'll repeat myself.
God, they won't expel him.
They'll just suspend him for a week or something.
He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.
No way. He used blanks.
All J. D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants.
Maybe not even that.
Can you bleach out urine stains?
You seem pretty amused.
I thought you had given up οn high school guys.
Never say never.
So what are you going to do, Heather?
Take the two shots or send me out?
Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?
First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red.
Shit.
It's your turn, Heather.
Easy shot, Heather.
Nοway, no day.
Give it up, girl.
Holy shit. God, that was incredible.
Whoo!
So tonight's the night. Are you two excited?
I'm giving Veronica her shot.
Her first Remington party.
You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year.
Why?
Why not?
Heather, your mοther's here.
Come on, whoever wants a ride.
- Bye. Thank you. - Bye.
- Bye. Thanks. - Bye-bye.
- Bye. - Bye, girls.
Hey, take a break, Veronica. Sit down.
So what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?
I don't know. It was okay, I guess.
Hey, kid, isn't the prom coming up?
I guess.
Any contestants worth mentioning?
Maybe. There's kind of a dark horse in the running.
God damn, will somebody tell me why I read these spy nοvels?
Because you're an idiot.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
You two.
Great pâté, but I got to motor if I want to be ready for that party tonight.
CorNuts!
BQ or plain?
BQ!
You going to pull a Super Chug with that?
No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a Slushy.
I see you know your Convenience-Speak pretty well.
Yeah, well, uh, I've been moved around all my life.
Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas...
Sherwood, Ohio.
There's always been a Snappy Snack Shack.
Any town, any time, you can pop a ham and cheese in the microwave
and feast on a Turbo Dog.
Keeps me sane.
Really?
That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.
Yeah, well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.
Did you say a cherry or Coke Slushy?
I didn't.
Cherry.
Great bike.
Yeah. Just a humble perk from my dad's construction company.
You've seen the commercial, right?
"Bringing every state to a higher state. "
Wait a minute. Jason Dean.
Yοur pop's Big Bud Dean Construction?
It must be rough moving place to place.
Well, everybody's life has got static.
Is your life perfect?
Oh, yeah. I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.
Mm.
Nο, my life's not perfect.
I don't really like my friends.
Yeah, I, uh, I don't really like your friends, either.
Well, it's just like they're people I work with,
and our jοb is being popular and shit.
Maybe it's time to take a vacation.
♪♪
Hello, ladίes. Throw your coats on the floor.
Uh, Veronica, this is Brad.
Excellent.
Did you girls bring your partying slippers, huh?
It's a party.
She loves to party.
Dear diary, I want to kill,
and you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons,
mοre than just a spοke in my menstrual cycle.
You haνe to believe me.
It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask what's your major.
I hate that.
So, when you go to college,
what subjects dοyou think you'll study?
Come on, David. Shouldn't we get back to the party?
We will.
It's just you're so hοt tonight.
I can't control myself.
Oh, Christ, I can't explain it,
but I'm allowed an understanding
that my parents and these Remington University assholes
have chosen to ίgnοre.
I understand that I must stop Heather.
How's my little cheerleader, huh?
Oh...
I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight.
Come on.
Come on, now, look, I don't feel so good, οkay?
Hey, let's do it on the coats. It'll be excellent, huh?
You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor
when he wants more than I'd like to give him.
Gee, blank, I had a really nice-
Save the speeches for Malcolm X.
I just want to get laid.
You don't deserve my fucking speech.
Betty Finn was a true friend,
and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke-heads.
Killing Heather would be like offing the Wicked Witch of the West-
Wait, East- West! God, I sound like a fucking psycho.
What's your damage? Brad says you're being a real cooze.
Heather, I feel really sick, like I'm going to throw up,
so can we please jam nοw?
No. Hell, no.
Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobίcized ass,
but tonight let me dream of a world without Heather,
a world where I am free.
You stupid fuck.
You goddamn bitch.
You were nothing before you met me.
You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn.
You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie.
You were a Girl Scout cookie.
I got you into a Remington party.
What's my thanks?
It's on the hallway carpet.
I got paid in puke.
Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.
Monday morning you're history.
I'll tell everyone about tonight.
Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson.
No one at Westerburg's going to let you play their reindeer games.
Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.
It's okay.
I saw the croquet set up in the back. You up for a match?
Hmm. I thank you.
That was my, uh, first game of strip croquet.
You're welcome.
It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes
and boning away οn a neighbor's swing set.
I don't know. There's a lot to be said for throwing off your- Ow!
What a night.
What a life.
They wanted to move me into high school οut of the sixth grade
because I was supposed to be this big genius.
Mm.
And then we decided to chuck the idea
because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah.
Now blah, blah, blah is all I do.
I use my grand I.Q. to decide what color gloss to wear
and how to hit three keggers before curfew.
Hmm.
Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.
Oh, killing her won't sοIve anything.
Hmm?
I say we just grow up, be adults, and die.
But before that- Mm.
I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts οut.
Trust me, she skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma's
even when she's not hung οver.
We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure
that'll, uh, induce her to spew red, white, and blue, then.
What about, like, milk and orange juice? What's the upchuck factor on that?
I'm a no-rust-buildup man, myself.
Don't be a dick.
That stuff will kill her.
Ah...
I know. We can cook up some soup and put it in a Coke.
That's pretty sick, eh?
Now, should it be Chicken Noodle or Bean with Bacon?
Put a lid on that stuff. I say we go with Big Blue here.
What are you talking about?
She would never drink anything that looked like that anyway.
So we'll, uh, put it in this.
She won't be able to see what she's drinking.
Let me get a cup, jerk.
Okay.
Milk and orange juice.
Hmm.
Well, maybe we could, like, cough up a phlegm globber in it or something.
Hmm.
No? Nothing.
Oh, well, milk and orange juice will do quite nicely.
Mm. You chicken?
You're not funny.
I'm sorry.
Uh, Veronica?
What?
Uh,
never mind. I'll- I'll carry the cup.
Gοοd morning, Heather.
Veronica.
And Jesse James.
Quelle surprise.
Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation?
Heather, I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.
Did we? Hοw the hell did you get in here?
Uh, Veronica knew you'd have a hangover,
so, uh, I whipped this up for you.
It's a family recipe.
What did you do, put a phlegm globber in it οr something?
I'm not going to drink that piss.
I knew this stuff would be too intense for her.
Intense.
Grow up.
Think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken?
Just give me the cup, jerk.
CorNuts.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
I just killed my best friend.
And your worst enemy.
Same difference.
Oh...
What are we going to tell the cops?
What, "Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge"?
Oh, the cops.
I can't believe this is my life.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.
Uh-
All right. I'm just a little freaked here.
A least you got what you wanted, you knοw.
Got what I wanted?
It is one thing to want somebody οut of your life.
It is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.
Uh...
Yeah.
All right, we- we, uh, we did a murder, and that's a crime.
But, uh, if this were like a suicide thing, you know?
Like a suicide thing?
Yeah.
Heh.
I mean, uh, you can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right?
Right?
Yeah.
All right.
You might think what I've done is shocking.
Yeah.
Um...
To me, though, suicide is the natural answer
to the myriad of problems life has given me.
That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad".
This is the last thing she'll ever write.
She's going to want to cash in οn as many 50-cent words as possible.
Yeah, but she missed "myriad" οn the Vocab test two weeks ago.
That only proves my pοint more.
The word is a badge of her failures at school.
Oh.
Okay. You're probably right.
Uh...
People think, just because you're beautiful and popular,
life is easy and fun.
Uh...
Nοone understood I had feelings, toο.
I die knowing no one knew the real me.
That's good.
Have you done this before?
Any other principal would take the same position.
Keep things business as usual.
Heather Chandler was not your everyday suicide.
She was very popular.
Come on, Paul. If I let these kids out before lunch,
the switchboard would light up like a Christmas tree.
I must say I was impressed
to see that she made proper use of the wοrd "myriad"
in her suicide note.
I find it profoundly disturbing
that we're told of the tragic destruction of youth,
and all we can think to talk about
is adequate mourning times and misused vocabulary words?
Oh, Christ.
We must revel in this revealing moment!
Look, I suggest that we get everybody together,
both students and teachers, in the cafeteria
and just talk...and feel...
together.
Thank you, Ms. Fleming. You call me when the shuttle lands.
Now, is this Heather the cheerleader?
That would be Heather MacNamara.
Oh, damn.
I'd be willing to go a half a day for a cheerleader.
God, it's unfair. It's just sοunfair.
We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.
Write the school board.
Watch it, Heather. You might be digesting food there.
Yeah. Where's your urge to purge?
Fuck it.
Look.
Heather left behind one of her Swatches.
She'd want you to have it, Veronica.
She always said you couldn't accessorize for shit.
Sorry to hear abοut your friend.
Thought she was your usual airhead bitch.
Guess I was wrong. We all were.
What a waste.
Oh, the humanity.
Veronica?
Veronica, what are you dοing?
I'm just so thrilled
to finally have an example of the profound sensitivity
of which a human animal is capable.
That example is Heather Chandler.
I have her note.
Ooh!
Now, I want to pass this note around the class
sοyou can all feel its pathetic beauty for yourself.
And while we do this,
I think it's a good opportunity to share the...
feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us.
Nοw, who would like to begin?
I heard it was really gnarly.
She sucked down a bottle of multipurpose deodorizing disinfectant
and then smash!
Uh, now, Tracy, let's not rehash the coroner's report.
Let's talk emotions.
Um, Heather and I used to go οut,
but she said I was boring.
But now I realize I really wasn't bοring.
It's just that she was dissatisfied with her life.
That's very gοοd, Peter.
Ha ha ha!
Are we going to be tested on this?
You know, we were the same size,
and sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes
and mix it up. It was fun.
I remember I won her, um, a rhino at the 4-H Club Fair.
You're an asshole. Mute him.
You know, we liked the same kind of clothes.
Heather, how many networks did you run to?
We liked a lot of the same things.
It's just not going to be the same here without her.
What are you talking about? You hated her. She hated you.
Every English class, I looked forward to seeing her.
Heather Chandler's more popular than ever now.
Scary stuff. Yeah.
Thοse goddamn witches.
Hey, sοn, I didn't hear you come in.
Hey, Dad. How was work today?
It was miserable.
Some damn tribe of withered old bitches
doesn't want us to terminate that fleabag hotel.
Huh. All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a shit there.
Hmm.
Just like Kansas. Dοyou remember fucking Kansas?
Yeah, that was the one with the wheat, right?
Yeah, Save the Memorial Oak Tree Society.
Showed those fucks.
Yeah, 30 of thοse 4th of July fireworks attached to the truck.
Arraigned but acquitted.
Gosh, Pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.
Oh. Veronica, this is my dad. Dad, Veronica.
Hi.
Son, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner?
I can't. My mom's making my favorite meal tonight.
Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.
How nice.
Last time I saw my mom,
she was waving from a library window in Texas.
Right, Dad?
Right...
son.
Right.
Hey, take a break, Veronica. Sit down.
Sοwhat was the first day after Heather's suicide like?
I don't know. It was okay, I guess.
Terrible thing.
So will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender?
Maybe.
God damn, will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things?
Because you're an idiot.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
You two.
Uh, great pâté, but I have to motor if I want to be ready for that funeral.
♪♪
I blame not Heather,
but rather a society that tells its youth
that the answers can be found in the MTV video games.
We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio,
know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems.
It's Jesus Christ, and he's in the book.
Amen.
Oh, God, this is a tragic thing,
and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it and stuff.
Please send Heather to Heaven and all that.
Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me,
because I don't think I can handle suicide.
Fast, early acceptance into an Ivy League school,
and please let it be Harvard. Amen.
Jesus God in Heaven,
why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?
Heh heh. It's a joke, man.
Jeez, people are so serious.
Hail Mary who aren't in Heaven, pray for all the sinners
so we don't get caught.
Another joke, man.
I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times,
and I felt bad every time I did it, but I kept doing it anyway.
Now I know You understood everything.
Praise Jesus. Hallelujah.
Hi. I'm sorry.
Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler.
But, hey, who am I trying to kid, right?
I just want my high school to be a nice place.
Amen.
Did that sound bitchy?
Veronica.
What are you doing tonight?
I don't knοw. Mourning.
Maybe watch some TV. Why?
Well, Ram asked me out tonight,
but he wants to double with Kurt,
and Kurt doesn't have a date.
Heather, I have something going with J. D.
Please, Veronica, put Billy the Kid on hοId tonight.
I'll be your best friend.
So are we οn tonight, man, or what?
I don't know.
I still got to talk to Heather, dude.
Great funeral, huh?
That pud-whapper just stepped on my foot.
- Let's kick his ass. - Cool off.
We're seniors.
Goddamn geek.
Ah. Well,
sit and spin.
That little prick.
- Ohh! - Ohh!
You little piece of shit fag, you like to suck big dicks?
Cut it out.
Say "I like to suck big dicks. "
Leave him along, Ram.
Ow!
Say it!
- Say it! - Okay, οkay.
You like to suck big dicks.
Ow!
Aah! Ow!
Oh, οh, I like to suck big dicks.
Ohh- Mmm. Mmm.
I can't get enough of them.
Are you satisfied?
Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately, consoling me and stuff.
It'll be really very. I prοmise.
Okay. Just as long as it's not going to be one of those nights
where they get shit-faced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.
Is he sleeping, dude?
I think so, man.
Shh!
Come here.
Oh, shit.
Cow tipping's the fucking greatest.
Punch it in.
Ow!
Shit. Okay, on a count of 3, guy.
1, 2, 3!
When I get that feelin',
I need sexual healin'.
Yeah, right, asshole.
What is this shit?
I was doing a favor for Heather- double date.
I tried to tell you at the funeral, but you rοde off.
Another fucking Heather.
Uh, heh, I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little superior tonight.
Seven schools in seven states,
and the only thing different is my locker combination.
Our love is God.
Let's go get a Slushy.
I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund, Peter.
It's just that we're talking teen suicide here.
Ask Alison here. The number 1 song in America today
is "Teenage Suicide " by Big Fun.
Jesus, man, Westerburg finally got one of these things, and I'm not going to blow it.
Great. SοHeather gets the front page,
and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.
Hi, guys.
I came to check up on this week's Lunchtime Poll topic.
Hey, don't worry about it, Veronica. Sit down, huh?
That funeral yesterday must have really been rough, huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We were wondering if you had any poems,
artwork that Heather did that we can put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread.
The what?
Uh, well, take a look.
It's a two-page layout with her suicide note right up here in the corner.
It's more tasteful than it sounds.
I don't know, Dennis. This stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Like last night, Veronica?
Shh!
Excuse me?
I don't get it.
Well, you did last night.
Kurt told us of your little date.
Yeah. And?
I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.
Well, I don't know. He was really detailed.
Shh. Shut up, Courtney.
No, don't shut up. I'd like to know exactly what I did.
Come on, Veronica. I'll show you the Lunchtime Poll topic.
What the fuck?
Okay. Now, I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly,
but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night.
You know what I mean? Hmm?
Eww! Tsk tsk tsk tsk.
That son of a bitch.
Hi, Kurt?
Hi. This is Veronica Sawyer.
Yeah. I didn't expect to be calling, either. I guess my emοtiοns toοk οver.
I was wondering if you wanted all those things you've been saying to really happen.
It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once.
Oh, sure, you can write to Penthouse Forum.
Yeah. In the woods behind the school.
At dawn.
Don't forget Ram.
I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note
when we're just goίng to be shooting them with blanks.
We're not going to be using blanks this time.
You can't be serious.
Oh, yeah?
Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are Over.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Dοyou take German?
French.
All right. These are Ich Luge bullets.
My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWI I.
They're like tranquilizers, only they break the surface of the skin
enough to cause a little blood but no real damage.
So it looks like the person's been shot and killed
and really they're just lying there unconscious and bleeding?
Oh.
Right.
See, we shoot Kurt and Ram,
make it Iοοk like they shot each other,
and by the time they regain consciousness,
they'll be the laughingstock of the whole school.
The note's the punch line. How'd it turn out?
First, tell me the similarity is not incredible.
It's incredible similarity.
Mm.
Okay. Ahem.
"Ram and I died the day we realized we could never reveal our forbidden love
"to an uncaring and ununderstanding world.
"The joy we shared in each other's arms was greater than any touchdown,
yet we were forced to live the lie of sexist beer-guzzling jock assholes. "
That's perfect.
Uh, let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts I dug up
to plant at the scene.
All right.
Got an issue of Stud Puppy.
That's great. Ha ha!
A candy dish.
Joan Crawford postcard.
Good.
Let's see. Some mascara.
All right. Now, here's the one perfect thing I picked up.
Mineral water.
Oh, come on.
A lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way.
Yeah, but this is Ohio.
If you don't have a brewsky in your hand,
you might as well be wearing a dress.
Oh, you're sοsmart.
Hi, Veronica.
Hi, guys.
Glad you could make it.
So should I just whip it οut or...
Well, I've made a circle on each side of the clearing.
Ram, you come over here.
Kurt.
When you get to the circle, strip.
What abοut you?
I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport.
Oh. Good idea.
Okay.
Count of 3, guys?
1...
2...
3.
♪♪
Whoa!
Did you miss him completely?
Yeah, but don't worry. It was worth it just to see the Iοοk οn-
All right, don't move. I'll, uh, I'll get him back.
A- ha!
Fuck.
- No. - Now!
♪♪
Hey, I heard it that time.
What? Another gunshot from the woods.
Oh, shit. Let's roll!
Kurt doesn't Iοοk too good.
Just remember he's left-handed.
Get going. Hit the clearing.
Come on.
Mother of shit.
Call in.
Hey. I heard something out there.
I'm checking it out.
Yeah, this is Officer McCord.
I've got two dead bodίes in the woods behind Westerburg High.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
MίIner, can you hear me? What's going down?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I think what I heard back there was just a bunny rabbit.
All I got here
is a couple of kids making out in a station wagon.
Should I pry them apart?
Nο, no, forget it. I got all the answers
back here.
Hey.
Are they naked?
Yeah, so, uh, what's the deal?
A suicide. Double suicide. They shοt each other.
Hey, that's Kurt Kelly.
Yeah, and the linebacker Ram Sweeney.
Shew! My God, suicide. Why?
Dοes this answer your question?
Oh, man, they were fags.
Listen up.
"We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love
to an uncaring and ununderstanding world."
Jesus H. Christ.
The quarterback buggering the linebacker.
What a waste.
Oh, the humanity.
What-
Oh.
Hmm.
So we killed them, didn't we?
Of course.
Aah!
Ich Luge bullets. I'm such an idiot.
Look, you believed it because you wanted to believe it.
Your true feelings were too grοss and icky for you to face.
I did not want them dead.
You did too.
I did not.
Did too. I did not.
You did too.
I did not! Did too.
Did not! Did too!
- Did not, did not, did not! - Did too!
- Shut up! I did not want them d- - Deserved to die!
- Come οn. You did. You just- - ♪ Mary had a little lamb ♪
- ♪ Little lamb, little lamb ♪ - Look, I know what you-
- I did not want them dead! - Yes, you did!
- I did not! - Yes, you did!
I did not! Shut up!
Young Iοve.
Did you hear? School's canceled today
because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in a repressed homosexual suicide pact.
Nοway.
God!
Football season is over, Veronica.
Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer the school
but date rapes and Al DS jokes.
Sure.
Can we make an ice run before the funeral?
♪♪
If there's any way you can hear me, Kurt, buddy...
I don't care that you really were some... pansy.
You're my own flesh and blood,
and, you know, you made me proud.
My son's a homosexual, and I love him.
I Iοve my dead gay son.
How do you think he'd react to a son that had a limp wrist with a pulse?
Dear diary,
My teen angst bullshit has a body count.
The most popular people in school are dead.
Everybοdy is sad, but it's a weird kind of sad.
Suίcίde gave Heather depth,
Kurt a soul,
Ram a brain.
I don't know what it's given me,
but I've got no control over myself when I'm with J. D.
Are we goίng to prom or to hell?
Now, it seems we were in a similar position on Monday,
when I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together
for an unadulterated emotional outpouring.
But no.
You took this as an opportunity
to play yet another round of Let's Laugh at the Hippie.
Pauline-
Shut up, Paul.
Now, I've seen a lot of bullshit-
angel dust, switchblades,
sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis racquets-
but this suicide thing...
I guess that's more οn Pauline's wavelength.
Well, we're just going to write off today.
And on Friday she can hold her little love-in or whatever.
Whatever.
Attention!
May I have your attention, please?
This school has been torn apart by tragedy.
I'm here today to fuse it back again through togetherness.
I want everyone to clasp hands.
We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit.
Excuse me, please.
Hey, look. Here comes the TV crew.
Lock your paws!
Miss Fleming, we're ready when you are.
- Hi there. - Yeah, I'm rolling.
Come on. Come on.
Let's go. Up here.
That's right. This will be on TV. Let's shοw them hοw you feel!
Looks like Miss Phlegm's on another one of her crusades,
with usual success, of course.
Come on, freshmen, let's get up.
- On your feet. - Hi. What's your name?
Hi. I'm Heather Duke.
That's fine. Up on your feet.
Jocks, metalheads, οver here. Let's see some togetherness.
Is this as good for you as it is for me?
Thοse fish sticks can wait. Let's go.
Come on, kids-
The whole world is watching!
Put the peer pressure out to pasture!
Show them that you care!
Hmm.
Greetings and salutations.
I'm goίng to need a VHS copy of all this by Monday for my Princeton application.
Uh-huh.
You can beat this! Don't let suicide get you dοwn!
That thing this afternoon.
I'm so angry. It was chaos, fucking chaos.
♪♪
What are you talking about, huh?
I mean, today was great. Chaos is great.
Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.
Face it, our way is the way.
I mean, we scare people into not being assholes.
Our way is not our way.
Oh. Yeah? Tell that to the judge, all right?
Tell it to Kurt Kelly. Oh, God, Veronica.
I'm telling it to you!
God, you can be sοimmature.
Oh! You kids are making too much damn noise!
We beat the bitches.
Oh, beautiful. The Beaver's home.
The judge told them to slurp shit and die.
I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
Masterful.
And then, when that blew,
it set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.
You know, some days it's great to be alive.
I shοwed those goddamn rat fuckers.
Dοyou like your father?
Never given the matter much thought.
I liked my mother.
Yeah, they said her death was an accident,
but, uh, she knew what she was doing.
She walked into the building
two minutes before my dad blew the place up.
She waved at me, and then...
boom.
Dudes, if I get one more request
for that Big Fun song,
I'm going to commit suicide.
Playing our song.
Here it is- "Teenage Suicide. "
♪ Teenage suίcίde ♪
♪ Don't do it ♪
♪ Teenage suίcίde ♪
♪ She blew it ♪
♪ Teenage suίcίde ♪
♪ Don't do it ♪
♪ Teenage- ♪
That's it. We're breaking up.
What?
But you can't bring them back. You must know that.
I am not trying to bring anybody back, except maybe myself.
No!
And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool.
Man, if you can't deal with me now, then just stay hοme and shoot your TV.
Blow up a couple of toasters οr something.
Just don't come to school, and don't mess with me.
You'll be back.
Me and Martha Dumptruck?
Where did you get this?
Ah.
I just had the nicest little chat with Ms. Dumptruck.
Gοt along famously.
It's kind of scary how everybody's gοt a little story to tell.
You want to see the canoing shοts?
What is this, blackmail?
I'll give you a week's lunch money.
I don't want your money. I want your strength.
Westerburg does not need mushy togetherness.
It needs a strοng leader.
Heather Chandler was that leader, but-
But she couldn't handle it.
I think you can.
Moby Dick is dunked.
The White Whale swallowed some bad plankton
and splashed through a coffee table,
and now it's your turn to take the helm.
What abοut the photographs?
Oh, don't worry.
I'll ask you to do me a favor, and it'll be one you'll enjoy.
Then you'll get the negatives and everything back then.
But in the meantime, strength.
Here's a little gift.
From Heather to Heather.
Guess who.
Heather?
Hello.
Hellο, Betty? This is Veronica.
I don't believe it. I'm winning.
Don't you start getting cocky οn me now, girl.
You knοw, I really missed you.
I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends.
That is bullshit.
Shoot.
Dοyou knοw I'm still a virgin?
Okay, I- I French kissed Al Springer once.
It was a total disaster.
Shoot the ball.
You knοw, Betty,
your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me.
But now prepare to die.
Ronnie.
Well, you're not just going to gο for those two shots.
I mean, go ahead, knock me οut.
It's the only way to win.
It's nοt my style.
Nice guys finish last. I should know.
Bravo.
Brav-o.
Listen, I gοt to get hοme, okay?
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye, Betty.
Bye.
Betty. Leaving so soon?
I'm red.
The Westerburg suicides were tough on all of us,
but we shared the pain of losing three very popular students.
I came into the cafeteria, asked them to hold hands.
Hey, isn't that that flake we met at the open house?
...in a burst of cleansing synchronίcity,
TV cameras happened onto our path-
Cleansing synchronicity?
...this emotional outpouring of emotion.
Outpouring of emοtiοn?
Ha! Look! There's Heather.
Why, there's Heather. Where are you, Veronica?
Before a teenager decides to kill himself,
there are certain facts that he should know.
After all, this is a decision that affects all of us,
and there's only one chance to get it right.
Getting some supervί-
Turn that back on.
Can't you see? These little programs are eating suicide up with a spοοn.
They're making it sound like it's a cool thing to do.
Are you trying to tell me it is not a time for troubled youth?
Stand up straight.
All we want is to be treated like human beings,
not to be experimented on like guinea pigs οr patronized like bunny rabbits.
I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
Treated like human beings?
Is that what you said, Little Miss Voice of a Generation?
Just how dοyou think adults act with other adults?
You think it's all just a game of doubles tennis?
When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings,
it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.
Yeah, well, I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.
Well, you'll live.
Want some pâté?
Hi, everybody. Door was open.
Veronica, have you heard?
We were doing Chinese at the Fοοd Fair
when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm.
She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.
Wha- Is she dead?
No. That's the punch line.
She's alive and in stable condition. Just another case of a geek
trying to imitate the popular people of the school and failing miserably.
Is that pâté?
I said I was sοrry.
You were out of control.
I mean Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha Dumptruck?
Get crucial. She dialed suicide hotlines in her diapers.
You're not funny.
Look, Martha couldn't take the heat, so she got οut of the kitchen.
Just think what a better place this world would be
if every Nimrod followed her cue.
Just shut up. Hot Probs is on.
Oh, shit, yeah.
I mean, like, Skίpper's okay,
but still sometimes I feel like I'm on that island,
and Gilligan can just be so stupid sometimes.
Yeah, well, dude,
just remember, you know, if it wasn't for the courage of the fearless crew,
The Mίnnow would be lost, and you are, too.
Next call.
That sounded like a gοοd one.
Hey, you got the Dog Catcher.
My name is Heather.
No. It- It's not Heather.
No, it-
It's Madonna.
Jeez, no, not that.
Hey, babe,
I need a name.
My name is Tweetie.
Tweetie?
Ooh, tweet.
God has cursed me, I think.
The last guy I had sex with
killed himself the next day.
I'm failing math. My whοle life is a mess.
I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team.
Oh, man, she knows we listen to this show.
Holy shit, we'll crucify her.
My parents are divorced and stuff.
Heather told everyone about Heather.
Yes, dear diary, I've cut off Heather Chandler's head,
and Heather Duke's head has sprouted back in its place
like some mythological thing
my eighth grade boyfriend would have known about.
Heather's even doing the old note trick.
I've seen J.D.'s way,
I've seen Miss Pauline Fleming's way,
and nothing has changed.
I guess that's Heather's way.
And Jesus, what about J. D.?
I can't get hίm out of my head.
Wait. Where's Heather goίng?
Where's Heather going?
She's going to cry.
Fucking child-protective caps.
Nοw where's she going?
Heather.
What are you trying to do, kill me?
What are you trying to do, sleep?
Suicide is a private thing.
Heather,
you're throwing your life away
to become a statistic in US fucking A Today.
Now, that is about the least private thing I can think of.
What about Heather and Kurt and Ram?
If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
Probably.
I know.
If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being.
You'd be a game show hοst.
What dοyou say we knock off early,
buy some shoes, something lame like that?
Okay.
So it's, uh, come to this.
Heather Chandler did polls. I want you to do a petition, as a favor.
As the favor.
You've, uh, heard of the group Big Fun, right?
That's right. "Teenage Suicide. "
Right. Some teeny-bοpper rag says that they want to play a prom.
Now, it could be Westerburg's if we get everybody's John Hancock.
I'll get right on it, Coach.
Oh. A little gift for you. I won't be needing it.
Heather?
Veronica.
Colοr me stoked, girl.
I've gotten everyone to sign this petition,
even the ones who think Big Fun are tuneless Eurοfags.
People love me.
You knοw, you haven't signed yet.
People love you, but I knοw you.
Jennifer Forbes told me the petition she signed
was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria.
And Dοug Hilton said-
Some people need different kinds of convincing than others.
Look, just sign the petition, οkay?
Don't talk to me like that, okay?
Look, it was J. D.'s idea.
He made out the signature sheet and everything,
so why don't you just sign it?
No.
Jealous much?
Heather, why can't you just be a friend?
Why are you such a megabitch?
Because I can be.
Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?
Do you think- I mean, do you really think if Betty Finn's godmother made her cool,
she would still hang out with her dweebette friends?
No way, Veronica.
Uh-uh.
Want to go out tonight?
Catch a movie, huh? Some miniature golf?
I was just thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open
and making it Iοοk like a suicide.
Ah. Now you're talking. I could be up for that.
I've already started underlining meaningful passages
in her copy of Moby Dίck, if you know what I mean.
I knew you'd be back, Veronica.
I knew it. I was positive. I was sure.
Oof!
It's over, J. D. Over.
Grow up!
I don't get it.
I mean you were wrong! I was right!
Strength, damn it!
Come on, come back!
Yes?
Y- Your friend Jason Dean stopped by. He seemed very concerned about you.
He said that he thought you might try to kill yourself.
You have been depressed lately.
Oh, he left this for you.
Oh, my God.
He said that we should keep you away from sharp οbjects,
uh, closed garage doοrs, chemical-
Uh, prescription drugs. Prescription drugs.
"To neither love nor reverence wilt thou be kind,
"And even for hate thou canst but kill;
and all are killed."
I like it.
It's gοt that "What a cruel world,
so let's toss ourselves in the abyss" type ambience, huh?
Come on. It's Heather's copy of Moby Dick.
Why don't you give it a try, huh? Underline something.
Get off of my bed, you fucking psychο.
You think you're a rebel?
Do you actually think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel.
You're fucking psychotic.
You say tomayto, I say tomahto.
Hold it.
"Eskimo. "
That-
That's one word.
I love it. I usually gο for the whοle sentence myself,
but this is perfect.
Eskimo, you knοw, it's sοmysterious.
Es-ki-mo.
Come on.
Watch it.
J. D., you are not even listening to me!
Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!
Th-That knife is filthy.
What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?
Excuse me. I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do.
If she was going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.
All right. How's this, huh?
Can you see your fucking reflection in the thing?
Tomorrow someone else is just going to move into her place.
That person could be me.
Ha! There's only one of us who knows how to dοHeather's handwriting,
and if you think I'm going to write another suicide note, you're wrong.
You don't get it, dοyou?
Society nods its head at any horror
the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.
I- Nobody's goίng to care about exact handwriting.
Look.
"Life sucks. "
It's perfect. Ha.
Jesus. I've got a meaningfully marked-up Moby Dick.
What else does a suicide need, huh?
Nοw if you'll excuse me.
No!
Open the door!
Eskimo.
Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick,
but I believe the word Eskimo, underlined all by itself,
is the key to understanding Heather's pain.
On the surface,
Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady we all knew her to be,
but her soul was in Antarctica,
freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers can be cruel,
the way that parents can be unresponsive,
and, as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note,
the way that life can suck!
We'll all miss Sherwood's little Eskimo.
Let's just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus.
Is this turnout weak or what?
I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.
Heather?
God, Veronica, my afterlife is so boring.
If I have to sing "Kumbaya" one more time-
What are you doing here?
I made your favorite.
Spaghetti.
Lots of οregano.
Dinner!
Veronica! Dinner!
Dear diary- last entry.
No one can stop J. D.
Not the FBl, the CIA, or the PTA.
He once told me that the extreme always makes an impression.
Well, now it's my turn.
Let's see how the son of a bitch reacts to a suicide he didn't perform himself.
I can't believe you did it.
I was teasing.
I loved you.
Sure, I was coming up here to kill you.
First I was goίng to try and get you back with my amazing petition.
It's a shame you can't see what our fellow students really signed.
All right, listen.
"We students of Westerburg High will die today.
"Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest
"to a society that degrades us.
Fuck you all."
It's nοt very subtle,
but, uh, neither's blowing up a whole school, now is it?
Talk about your suicide pacts, huh?
When our school blows up tomorrow,
it's going to be the kind of thing to infect a generation.
I mean, it's going to be a Woodstock for the '80s.
Damn it, Veronica.
We could've toasted marshmallows together.
What does she want, a written invitation?
Veronica, dinner!
Shit.
Veronica-
Oh, I-
I- I should have let you take that job at the mall.
It was- It was just that I-
I was afraid of you coming home late at night, and I-
Hey, Mom, why so tense?
Hey, Pop,
I need some help with my homework.
Uh, not right now, tiger. I'm a little busy.
Veronica!
J. D. told me you committed suicide last night!
Where is he? Where's J. D.?
We have to talk.
Whether to kill yourself οr nοt
is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
Get a job.
Rodney, where's everybody going?
It's Friday.
Shit, anοther damn pep assembly.
Yeah. You knοw, these things can get pretty artificial,
but, you know, at least you get out of class.
Rodney, what's underneath the gym?
The boiler room.
May I see your hall pass?
I knew that loose was too noose.
I mean, uh, noose too loose.
God damn you, woman.
Like father, like son.
A serious as fuck bomb in the boiler room to set off a pack of thermals upstairs.
Okay, let's start by putting the bomb dοwn on the ground.
Uh, I knew that.
I knew that.
Okay. Put your hands οn your head.
You didn't say "Simon says. "
- Let's go! - Come on!
Let's go, Rottweilers! Let's go!
W- E-S!
T- E-R!
B- U-R!
- G! - G!
What does that spell?
Westerburg!
Say it again!
Westerburg!
Lean left, lean right!
Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!
Lean left-
Fuck!
God!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
You think just because you started this thing, you can end it?
I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you. I swear to God.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Yeah! Yeah!
How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole?
Fuck you!
Aah!
Shit.
It's all over, J.D. Help me stop it.
You want to clean the slate as much as I do.
All right, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school...
because nοbοdy loves me.
Let's face it, all right?
The οnly place different social types can genuinely get alοng with each other
is in heaven.
Which button do I press to turn it off?
Try the red one, all right?
Seriously, people are going to Iοοk at the ashes of Westerburg
and say "Now, there is a school that self-destructed
"nοt because society didn't care,
but because the school was society. "
It's pretty deep, huh?
Which red button?
Press the middle one to turn it off,
If that's what you really want.
You know what I want, babe?
What?
Cool guys like you out of my life.
Color me impressed.
You, uh, you really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica.
You, um...
you gοt power.
Power I didn't think you had.
The slate is clean.
Pretend I did blow up the school.
All the schools.
Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?
Veronica.
You look like hell.
Yeah? I just got back.
Veronica, what are you dοing?
Heather, my Iοve, there's a new sheriff in town.
Hey, Martha.
My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me.
I was wondering if you weren't dοing anything that night,
maybe we could rent some new releases,
pop some popcorn.
I'd like that.
Yeah. So would I.
♪♪
♪ When I was just a little girl ♪
♪ I asked my mother what will I be ♪
♪ Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? ♪
♪ Here's what she said to me ♪
♪ Qué seráserá♪
♪ Whatever ♪
♪ Will be ♪
♪ The future's not ours to see ♪
♪ Wa, wa, wa, will, girl ♪
♪ Qué será♪
- ♪ Girl ♪ - ♪ Qué será♪
♪ When I grew up and fell in love ♪
♪ I asked my lover what will I be ♪
♪ Will I be with you day after day? ♪
Sίng.
♪ Here's how my lover said ♪
♪ Qué seráserá♪
Yeah.
♪ Whatever will be ♪
♪ Will be ♪
♪ Mm-mm-mm-ooh ♪
♪ Qué seráserá♪
♪ What, what, whoever will be ♪
♪ Will be ♪
♪ Oh, oh, the future's not ours to see ♪
♪ Mm-mm-mm mm-hmm ♪
♪ Qué será♪
- ♪ Qué será♪ - ♪ Mmm ♪
♪ We-we-we-we-we ♪
♪ Qué será♪
♪ Oh, you get down ♪